Teaching Our Kids Not to Be Racist
“Racism isn’t born, folks. It’s taught. I have a 2-year old son. Know what he hates? Naps. End of list.”
-Denis Leary
“People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”
-Nelson Mandela
The original posting of this article was July, 2016.
Yesterday, my friend April and I took our kids to the beach. It was a perfect day in sunny California- the kind where gentle waves danced, and a slight breeze showed up just in time to offset the heat of the sun at noonday.
While our kids played and began to engage in very serious conversations about how to make sand castles correctly, and what sandwich they were going to eat for lunch, April and I engaged in a very serious conversation of our own. It centered around one simple, but not-at-all-simple question:
How are we possibly going to teach these children to maintain their love for each other in a world that overwhelmingly tells them not to?
April and her family are Black Americans. Our family is Lebanese American and White American of Lebanese and Jordanian descent. We love each other. Like, not the ‘oh-our-kids-go-to-school-together-and-we decorated-for-the-fundraiser’ kind of love. No, we actually really, really love each other. She’s one of the most intentional mothers I have ever encountered and my go-to girl for any Christian parenting resource. We both come from pastor’s families and we understand the impact ministry can have on relationships in a way many others can’t. We are both committed to doing whatever we can to raise godly, obedient, service-minded, Christian children.
And speaking of our children, you should see how our kids love each other! The BFF kind of love. They consume themselves with laughter and they play with abandon the very moment they get in each other’s presence. They enjoy a cluelessness that their differences in skin color matter so much to so many in this world.
But April and I are not clueless. We know the day is coming, and soon, where they’re going to figure out that some people think they should stick with their own kind. They’re going to feel the institutional racism inherent in the world, circa 2016. They’re going to get called to make choices and be aware of realities that we simply don’t want them to.
So yesterday, right there in the Pacific sand, we hashed and rehashed our plan to usurp the ways of the world. We agreed to go all-in to teach these kids to look at each other through the same lens that Christ Himself sees them, and all of us.
St. Paul describes it this way, telling us, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).
So what do we do?
April and I are both realists and we know simply singing “Jesus Loves the Little Children” and praying it’ll all go away won’t cut it. We also know that taking on the universe when it comes to racist behavior also means taking on the reality of sin since the beginning of humanity. We may never effect the change we’re hoping to, and certainly, we won’t do it overnight.
But still, we are mothers. And God entrusted us with babies to teach, so we’ve got to try something.
Here’s what we’ve come up with so far.
1. Watch what you watch.
The media is a double-edged sword, my friends. Be hyper-vigilant in what you choose to intake. The media’s perspective is not God’s perspective. And the powerful who maintain media control have myriad agendas that don’t center around peace, whether we like it or not.
Don’t misunderstand- awareness is a critical tool in our arsenal against that weapon of mass destruction we call racism. Knowing what we’re up against is fundamental to defeating it.
But we have to be mindful that our pursuit of basic awareness doesn’t turn into gluttony. It’s all too easy to over-consume news images, sound bites and reporting that essentially alters our mindset, yet breeds nothing good at all. (Fun fact: Did you know that the news outlets are actually classified not as news, but as entertainment?)
Stop re-watching the video clips on Facebook. Don’t participate in one more online forum that bashes one side or the other. Seriously, stop the cyber-fighting. You want to be heard? Find a way to partner with FOCUS, North America (focusnorthamerica.org), or IOCC (iocc.org). Those guys get stuff done. Let your voice and impact be heard there.
2. Stop thinking about your own perspective so much.
Listen. The fears and concerns are real. Yesterday, April shared a story of her friend whose son used to be constantly approached as ‘the single cutest baby that ever was’ just a few short years ago. But now, as a pre-teen of color, his mother watches with a sadness as people around him display a bit more trepidation, caution and suspicion with him. She is fearful of what it will look like when he’s 18.
I shared my fears of being of Middle Eastern dissent and married to a man with one heck of an accent. I told her about a book I read that stated: “The last permissible racism here-and by permissible, I mean it’s okay publicly in the media and elsewhere-is to be racist against Arabs.”
The fears are real.
But seeking first to understand, and then to be understood can’t happen if we’re constantly consumed with telling our story, and repeating our perspective. Try stepping into the shoes of the other first.
Christ saved all of us, Samaritans and pagans (like the Canaanite woman) alike. Our end game is to look, act and behave like He did. Emulating Him means thinking of and serving our brothers and sisters – first. There’s plenty of time for us to tell our story later.
3. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
If we want to be like Jesus Christ, which is the goal of Christianity, we must start by focusing on the needs of someone else. We are most like Him when we turn our focus outwards. That often requires forgiveness, which certainly isn’t easy when issues of race come up.
But think of that moment when Christ, on the Holy and Life-Giving Cross calls out “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Even in the midst of scourging, blood, beatings, mockery and all His pain, He didn’t focus on His needs. Or on being heard. He focused on His brothers and sisters.
Even harder still, is that like Him, we’re called to do that for our enemies. For the people who would spend a lifetime yelling at the top of their lungs hurtful perspectives that we would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of ours.
It’s a Process
April and I agreed that this wasn’t an easy season for any of us. We agreed that only through prayer, and by the welcoming of the Holy Spirit will we make it through these crazy times. But we have to try. We have to practice flexing our forgiveness muscle. We have to bite our tongue, a lot. We have to take confidence in the reality that our God is sovereign. We have to choose our words and intake of information intentionally.
It will take time. It will take commitment. It will take prayer. But the more we do it, the better we’ll get at it.
We can’t pursue Him and do it any other way.